Sometimes the Truth Hurts
by Rusted.Diamonds
Summary: Percy was scared of letting other people, of letting himself know the truth. He wasn't ready for that and he wasn't sure he ever would be. But, when a new boy jumpstarts Percy's feelings, he realizes that the truth might not be a such bad thing. Nico didn't want to move. He was happy where he was, until he meets a certain green eyed boy and things get a bit more complicated.
1. Chapter 1

Prologue

Percy

Truth. Honesty.

The mere thought of those words used to scare me. I couldn't handle the rawness that the truth implies. It strips you down, leaves you bare and exposed until you can't even tell who you are anymore. When you think one thing about yourself but portray another, how can you even tell what the truth is anymore? It all becomes one big blurry mess. So I just avoided it. I avoided the truth until I reached a point where my lie became my reality and the truth was merely nonexistent. That was how I lived the majority of my life. But then he came along. Him with his assholish nature. Someone who didn't give a fuck about my _feelings_ -because when it comes down to it, the truth is real whether you like it or not.

I didn't like it. I was afraid of it. Hell, I was downright terrified.

But he showed me how not to be.

Chapter 1

Percy

I wake up to the insistent blaring of my alarm, its piercing beeps signaling that my day has begun. After silencing it, I allow myself to relish in a brief moment of stillness, the last calm and quiet I will have for the rest of the day. I sigh and regretfully pull the covers off, knowing that I don't really have much of a choice. The biting air greets my exposed body and I run to the bathroom, entering the shower and turn the water on as hot as it can go. The steam embraces my body, its hot moisture making everything feel damp. The hot water wakens me, revitalizes me, giving me a reason to be awake.

The hot water soon runs out, leaving me with frigid droplets seeping into my pores. Getting out, I wipe off the mirror and watch the condensation run in hectic streams. I stare into my familiar features-eyes so similar to the sea, hair so dark it's almost black, a prominent jawline and high cheekbones. My tan complexion is flushed from the heat.

I rake my fingers through my wet hair, shaking the water out and feeling it run down my neck. I suddenly feel exhausted. I wish I could stay under the hot stream of water all day long, that I could stay there in the safety and comfort it provides. I never want to go to school, never want to leave my house so I can finally be the person I really am without fearing judgement. I'm sick and tired of being someone that I'm not in attempt to save face. But, at the same time, I'm terrified of what would happen if I broke through my façade. So, I smile and act like the person everyone expects me to be.

Maybe some day, things will be different. But not anytime soon.

I gaze into my green eyes, trying to figure myself out. Am I wrong? I know people would think that if they knew. Hell, I think I'm wrong every single day, feeling like I'm an awful human being for having different desires. Yet, the more I pretend I don't have those desires, the more awful I feel for lying to the people close to me. It's a vicious, never ending cycle.

I don't want to do this anymore. I'm not sure if I even can.

/Line Break/

"What're you doing home?" I ask when I see my mom in the kitchen.

"I don't have to go in until eight thirty today," she responds, stopping to stare at my face.

My mom and I, we used to be really close. It kills me that we're like this now. I know it's wrong of me, but I was the one who pulled away in the beginning. I always rationalized my distance with her in the most senseless, petty ways. Our closeness-her closeness to my true self-was destroying me, so it seemed sensible for me to pull away. But now, our distance is destroying her-I see it in her worn face, her tired eyes, her frustrated expression. I don't know how much I longer I will be able to put my well-being before hers. It makes me feel like a terrible person. And maybe I am.

"That's nice," I respond, reaching over the table to grab a box of cereal. Acting abruptly, she catches my arm in its path, forcing me to look at her.

"Percy… are you okay? I know...I know I haven't always been there for you-and I truly am sorry for that. But I want-I need you to know that whatever is wrong, you can tell me." Her voice quivers but her eyes are as solid and resilient as ever.

I give her a small, tight lipped smile and nod jerkily. My face burns bright red and I manage to mumble an "okay." Lips locked, no secrets coming out.

I can't talk to my mom about this-hell, I can't talk to anyone. But I won't let her know that. I'll play nice and engage in small talk so she feels fulfilled in her motherly responsibilities and Ieaves me alone.

She smiles back at me, and in realizing that I'm not saying anything else, we recommence to our thick, heavy silence. All that could be heard was the crunching of my cereal and my her soft whistles as she cooled off her tea.

"You should probably get going if you don't want to be late," she says, taking a quick glance at the clock. I nod and shove the rest of my breakfast down my throat. After some contemplation, I kiss her on the cheek and feel a small swell of joy when I see her beam with happiness.

/Line Break/

I walk slowly, taking my time. I listen to the life happening around me as I walk by in my own pace, in my own little world. I don't particularly like school-but then again, what teenager does? I'm not smart. Never have been, probably never will be. I've just always had something else to occupy my mind other than grades, mainly athletics. My above average status in swimming is what brought me my popularity, popularity in the sense that the whopping fifty people in my grade looked up to me.

Swimming brought me other things as well. Over the years, it became my solace. I enjoy pushing myself to the brink of exhaustion, feeling the ache in my muscles all the down to my bones. I love everything there is about it. I swam every chance I could when I was younger, swimming the anger and frustration out of my body until I was suddenly the fastest one. Swimming is probably the only way I can ever make it out of this tiny town-not saying that it's something I'd necessarily want to do, but this town is all I've ever known. I know the way things work; the politics, the people, what they accept and what they don't. And while those are the reasons I wanted to stay, they're also the reasons I desperately want to leave.

Yeah, I'm confused, but I'm also only sixteen; I have time to figure things out. Or at least, that's what I keep telling myself. Now that I'm starting junior year, I can sense time slipping away from me, and my time as a child is coming to a close. I should start thinking about my future, about what I want to do with myself, about _college_ ; but telling myself that the future doesn't exist is just so much easier. And then, it just becomes another one of the lies I tell myself every day.

/Line Break/

"Hey, Perce!" I look up to see Jason walking over.

"Hey, Jace," I respond as he falls into step with me.

Jason has been my best friend for as long as I can remember. He was always the extroverted, more poised one, while I was more of the silent rebel. I got him to loosen up more, break a few rules, and he got me to actually study and keep my grades decent. He's a good friend, one of the truest friends I've ever had. Because of this, I feel guilty for not being as true with him as he is with me.

"How was your summer, bro? I feel like I haven't seen you in ages," he says with a smile on his face, his sky blue eyes dancing with a certain happiness I can't comprehend.

"Good...good," I mumble.

Was my summer good? It's not like I did anything all that exciting. A trip to Montauk (as per usual), and then…nothing really. A lot of sitting at home alone thrusting myself deeper into my own thoughts. Sure, I could've invited my friends over, acted like a normal teenager, but the solidarity wasn't so bad.

"That's great," he nods.

"So, tell me all about your summer. We both know you're dying to," I say with a laugh. At that, Jason falls into a monologue about the wonders of his summer, spending time with his girlfriend, going to the beach...

I smile fondly at his eagerness and allow him to go on. I like it better like this-I'm not much of a conversationalist anyway. He talks all the way to homeroom, and if it weren't for the ringing of the first bell, he would've kept talking. Instead, he stops what he was saying abruptly and turns to face the front of the classroom. I watch in amusement as he quickly composes himself in to listen to our teacher's instructions like the pretty-little good boy he is. I quickly follow suit.

"Class," my teacher, Mr. Brunner, starts, "it's my pleasure to announce that we are going to have a new student this year."

Excited murmurs erupt throughout the classroom. In a small town like this, getting someone new is next to monumental.

Mr. Brunner claps a few times to regain our attention. "His name is Nico di Angelo and should be arriving within the week. I hope you all do your best to make him feel welcome. Now, open your textbooks to page 26…." He proceeds to tell us our assignment for the day, but everyone is too excited to actually listen. Jason turns around to face me.

"Why do you think he's coming sometime this week?" he asks in a low tone. "I mean, wouldn't it be easier to just come in on the first day instead of a few days in?"

"Maybe he needs a few days to settle," I respond with a shrug, not really knowing the answer either.

Jason nods and turns back around, curiosity still evident on his face. I feel the same, my mind swirling with thoughts of this new kid. I keep thinking about what his personality might be like, how different he might be. It's been way too long since we've gotten something new in this town. I smile, excitement fluttering in my chest.

Nico di Angelo. What a pretty name.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Nico

Rage pulses through my veins-it makes me want to scream. How could they do this? Don't I have any say in my life?

I glare into my father's eyes and he glares back with the same intensity-after all, I got my glare from him. I know I can't make him back down with it, but that isn't going to make me stop trying. I'm too prideful for my own good.

"Mamma?" I plead, looking hopefully into my mother's eyes. She returns my hopeful look with a sorrowful one.

"Sorry, Nico, your father can't turn down this job offer. And don't worry, we aren't moving that far away. You'll still be able to see your friends," she says with a small, placating smile. This isn't the first time they've told me the this, and hearing it over and over again doesn't make me feel any better. I go back to glaring at my father.

"Yeah, don't worry, Neeks." I shift my glare to my sister at the sound of that awful nickname. "We're only moving right outside of the city, just about an hour away. It's not like we're going cross country, stop being so dramatic."

"See, Nico? Bianca understands. It's not the end of the world," my father says with a meaningful stare. Bianca annoyingly preens at the praise.

Easy for her to be so level-headed. She's nineteen and already in college-this change barely even affects her! But me? I'm just her stupid younger, seventeen year old brother with no right to have a say in anything. It isn't fair.

"I don't care about my friends," I say. "They'll get over it. But what do you expect me to tell Will? We were finally supposed to go to school together!" My parents shift uncomfortably at that.

I never really gave them that much time to accept (or to grieve, depending on how you want to look at it) after I came out as gay before announcing I had a boyfriend. To say they were shocked would be an understatement, but in seeing how fiercely protective I was of Will, they got used to the fact that their little baby boy was, in fact, gay. And even though that was two years ago, bringing him up in conversation still brings some mixed reactions, but I guess that's what happens when your parents are severely conservative. But at least they try to understand, and that's really all I could really ask of them. I'm grateful for it, knowing how much worse the alternative could be.

"Will…uh, well," my father mutters awkwardly, the words caught in his throat. I watch with sick satisfaction as he squirms trying to come up with something to say about my "significant other."

"I'm sure he'll understand," Bianca chimes in. I give her a loathing look and my father softens his stare.

"I know it took me awhile, Nico, but you are my only son and I want you to know that I support your decisions. If Will is a sensible boy, I think you can work this out, and if not, maybe it wasn't meant to last. Maybe you will be able to find another nice..." He pauses, struggling to get out the next word. "..boy," he finally sputters, "in our new town."

"Yeah," my mom adds, "didn't you mention something about you and Will having problems? Maybe some distance would do you boys good."

I huff, knowing that my mother was speaking some truth. Will and I used to be inseparable, but lately he's been pulling away-shying away from my hugs, even turning his head sometimes when I try to kiss him. I blamed it on the fact that we rarely saw each other, and we agreed that us finally going to school together would fix our problems. I knew me leaving would mean that we were through, but I'm not ready to even tell myself that.

"Maybe you're right," I say with a forced smile. "I mean, this town can't be that bad, right?"

Little did I know this town would be both the worst and the best thing that has ever happened to me.

...starting with the worst.

/Line Break/

"I get it," I say, blinking back the tears.

"I'm sorry, Nico. We knew this would happen eventually with us going away to college in two years. I mean, we were barely able to see each other as it is. And now that you're now moving away, I doubt it would work at all. We just won't have the time to hold onto our relationship," Will mutters through the phone.

"I said I get it." I really don't want to listen to this anymore, the whole, cliché "it's not you it's me", "long distance relationships don't really work out", and "I promise we can still be friends" bullshit. Yes, I get it, we're breaking up.

"I'm really sorry, Nico, maybe we can still-"

"Please, just, stop," I say, not necessarily angry at him, but at the entire situation.

"I'm sorry, Nico," Will says one last time before he hangs up on me. I lay there letting the silence eat me away before flinging my phone across the room-my ex-room, in my ex-house, ending my relationship with my ex-boyfriend. That was the thought that broke me. I shove my face into my pillow and sob, allowing myself to grieve over my first break up.

/Line Break/

"Nico," I hear my mom calling from the other side of the door." Just making sure you're alright. You should really start packing."

"Yeah, mom, I'm fine," I reply, brushing the moisture from my face.

"Okay, honey, just making sure. And please, if you could get onto packing, we would like to leave within the next couple of days."

"Okay, mom," I respond, my voice barely a whisper. I sigh, flopping back onto my bed. I look around, knowing that this will be one of the last times that I'll be able to just sit here and look at this room. The thought makes me want to cry all over again, but I don't have time to. I have to pack.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Nico

"Hi, my name is-"

"Nico di Angelo," the secretary finished for me. "I have your schedule and the rest of your paperwork right here." She shoved a stack of papers into my hands and ushered me out the door. "Have a nice day!" she shouted as I stumbled through the frenzied, overcrowded office. "Thank you, you too." I mumbled sarcastically as I walked into the hallway.

Packing up the house and saying goodbye to my friends took a lot longer than expected, not to mention the six hour detour we took to drop Bianca off at college. And let me tell you, the only thing that sucks more than going to a new school is going to a new school three days late and completely exhausted.

"Um, excuse me," I said to the first group of people I saw. "Can you tell me where room 204 is?" The girl in front looked me up and down, eyeing my black leather clothing. If I hadn't known any better I would have thought she was checking me out, but looking at the disgusted look on her face, I could tell she was judging me.

"Yeah," the girl responded, her nose crinkled in obvious distaste. "It's … over there," she said, waving her hand in the general direction of the stairs. My mind boiled with rage and sarcastic retorts. First she judged me, then she gives me a half assed response? This school just kept getting better.

I grit my teeth and walked towards the staircase that I was so helpfully directed towards. The very shitty, rundown staircase, I thought as I dodged a loose tile. Didn't people pay taxes to fix this shit? Maybe if I complained to my parents enough about how awful this school is, they'll send me home. It was a nice thought, but I knew it would never happen. I could already picture my mom's response, 'You've only been there one day, Nico. Things will get better, just give it a chance.' and then she'd stroke my hair and tell me something real nice like 'Stop being so whiny and feeling sorry for yourself. You won't get any friends if you act like that.' I sighed. I knew my mom (or at least the mom I created in my head) was right. But, I only wanted to be back in my old house with my old friends with Will in my arms. Not, in some shitty, small, judgemental town on the outskirts of my real home.

/Line Break/

"You're Nico di Angelo, correct?" the man behind the teacher's desk asked me.

I nodded, and he smiled in return. "We're very happy to have you, Mr. di Angelo. My name is Mr. Brunner and it looks like I will be your homeroom and first period teacher. Please, take a seat," he said, pointing to a seat in the sea of empty desks. I nodded again and sat down.

I eyed him wearily, looking for any faults in him that I could tell my parents about later. (Hey, just because I know they won't let me leave doesn't mean it isn't worth a shot.) He had kind, brown eyes and wore a worn tweed jacket - something I would personally dub "unprofessional," but it seemed to work well for him. I sighed, already uncomfortable being alone with this teacher and even less excited about meeting my new classmates. I pulled out a book, hoping that if I ignored everyone, they'd all ignore me back.

/Line Break/

"Okay, class, time to settle down," Mr. Brunner said as the bell sounded. I looked up from my book and glanced around the full classroom, sinking a little in my chair. Normally, I'm a pretty confident guy, but being around all those strangers made me nervous.

"Today, we will be starting a project in place of your yearly research paper. The idea will be the same: pick a controversial topic and a side, but instead of writing a paper you will have a partner of your choosing to work with."

Everyone perked up at that last part of his statement, immediately pairing off and talking about what topic to work on. I had never felt so awkward and alone.

"Oh,Nico," Mr. Brunner said, just now noticing my predicament. "Percy Jackson isn't here today so the two of you can be partners. You can start on your project when he gets back, but for now make a list of topics to share with him." I nodded, only half listening to what he was saying.

"Percy Jackson," I thought. What a dumb name.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Percy

It's not every day you find yourself in 70 degree weather, clear blue skies, minimal wind, and overall perfect conditions to go swimming. Yeah, it's only the third day of school, yeah I could get kicked off the swim team if anyone finds out, but I'm beyond caring anymore. I deserved some time off.

I headed over to the beach, hoping I wouldn't see anyone I knew along the way. My mind buzzed with thoughts - thoughts that never leave me alone and consume me like a plague; thoughts of fear, unacceptance, of who I was as a person. I couldn't live like this, like an absolute fucking wreck.

All because I'm…I don't know. I don't like to say that I'm different. I'm just me. And that's okay, right? I mean a lot of people don't like labels. I'm just being myself…being myself while constantly trying to hide who I truly am.

It's hard to look myself in the mirror and know these things. To know that I am basically living a lie. It's not that I don't accept myself, I'm just confused. And completely terrified of what the people around me would think. I can't even "come out" to myself, let alone this entire town of judgemental assholes who aren't used to any sort of deviation from the status quo.

I took a deep breath, enjoying the fresh scent of the salty air and without wasting anymore time, I ran into the ocean, blue, sparkling, inviting, the waves pulling me in.

/Line Break/

"Percy, good to see you today, I hope you're feeling alright. You'll be working with our new student, Nico di Angelo, on an oral presentation. He can explain the details to you." Mr. Brunner smiled, then went back to his computer. I stood there in slight shock, firstly at the thought of having an oral presentation assigned on the third day of school - secondly, I was working with Nico di Angelo?

I turned away from Mr. Brunner's desk and looked for someone who could be Nico di Angelo. He wasn't that hard to find. He sat in the back corner, away from everyone else, wearing all black and scribbling on a sheet of paper. His hair was insane - the darkest shade of brown ever all tangled up in a messy mop. I approached him warily, but then he raised his eyes to me. One thing that I could say for certain in that moment was that Nico, dark and eccentric, was most beautiful person I had ever seen. I wanted to look into those eyes all day, I wanted to get lost in them, but then he looked away, bending over his desk, shielding both his eyes and himself from me again.

"H-hi, I'm Percy Jackson, we're supposed to work on a project together," I said a bit nervously as I sat down next to him.

"Staring is rude," was all he said in response not even looking up.

"U-um… sorry?"

"There's no need to be sorry," he said, finally looking up, "I get that you'd like to admire the view. Don't worry I'm used to stares by now. I've been getting them all day, in fact," he continued, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Uh… mm… wha?" I responded, my cheeks reddening.

Nico sighed. "How about we work on our project," he suggested. I nodded eagerly, any sort of topic change would be greatly appreciated.

"So… um… what exactly are we supposed to do?" I asked. He sighed again. Instead of giving me an answer, he shoved the piece of paper he had been working on in my face.

"Here, this is our topic," he said, handing the paper to me. "I'm leaving."

"You can't just leave," I said incredulously. "We're at school."

"Well, considering that you just decided to not show up for the first half of class, I'm deciding to be absent for the last half. Have fun," he said sarcastically and went to get the bathroom pass.

/Line Break/

"The guy sounds like a total asshole," Jason said after I recounted my experience with Nico.

"I don't know," I said, feeling bad for talking about Nico behind his back. "He's probably just upset about the move and all, things'll get better…hopefully. I mean, I am working with him for a while on this huge project. Maybe he'll come around."

Jason stopped in his tracks and stared at me. "Why are you defending him? If he acts like an asshole to my bro then I have every right to call him out on it," said Jason confidently.

"I just don't think we should be so quick to judge," I said quietly. Jason, noticing my change of tone, dropped the conversation.

"So where were you this morning anyway?" asked Jason after a few moments of awkward silence. "Please don't tell me you ditched to go swimming again." I have him a smirk and he sighed. "You know what would happen if anyone found out," he said reproachfully.

"No one will find out, Jason," I said, annoyed. If anyone else found out about me ditching class, it could really hurt my position on the swim team, and that was something I couldn't risk happening. This was just another part of my life that I had to keep hidden, another thing I had to lie about.

"I just want to make sure you're okay," Jason muttered, refusing to look me directly in the eyes. I had to fight against laughing bitterly.

If only he knew.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Percy

"...are you sure we should do this?" Nico glared at me, his eyes espresso black and piercingly intense.

"Why the hell wouldn't we be able to?"

"I just...I don't think..."

"So you're homophobic," he said with a flare of contempt. His eyes somehow got even darker.

"No! No, it's just that...I don't think Mr. Brunner would approve of it. With it being such a controversial topic and all…" I rushed. "Besides, there are a bunch of other topics we can choose fro-"

"Fucking bullshit," he said, slamming his hand on the table, effectively cutting off whatever I was trying to say. "Isn't that the fucking point of this stupid presentation? To fight for one side of a really controversial topic? Percy, I'm going to ask you this just one time - do you think gay marriage should have been legalized nationwide?"

Heat crept up my cheeks as my mind petrified under his dark glare. "Y-yea," I stammered "I mean, I guess-"

"I'm gonna ask you one more time, bird brain, _do you think-"_

"Okay, okay! Sorry! Yea, it was a great thing for it to be legalized," I muttered, suddenly grateful that my parents weren't home. I started wondering whether bringing Nico to my house had been a good idea.

"Alright, now that we have that settled," he continued with a smirk, "we need to make a thesis and find some websites with information, blahblahblah, I think we've done enough for today," he said with a yawn, leaning back in his chair, his black shirt rising and exposing a sliver pale skin underneath.

"Wait, what?" I exclaimed, checks reddening and flustered. "Doing this was your idea! Look, this is a stupid topic, everyone's gonna think we're gay. And we're not. Totally not." My cheeks burned as Nico's eyes shot black flames into mine.

"I am gay, asshole. Do you have a problem with that?" he said quietly, lifting an eyebrow.

"I-uh-I didn't-I didn't mean-" I stuttered, barely able to comprehend what he had just said.

"Yea, whatever, I don't have time for this. Start thinking of a good thesis, and remember, we need it by Friday. See you later, homophobe," he stated with an air of finality, grabbing his jacket and bursting out the front door.

"Nico! I didn't mean it like that! I just-" I tried to finish as the door slammed.

What the fucking hell just happened?

/Line Break\

"Percy, hun, you need to calm down," said Annabeth, her calm pearl eyes trained on mine. "You need to give him more time-he's new, after all. He'll need time to adjust."

"But what should I do about our topic?" I said embarrassedly. "I don't want anyone to think I'm-well- _gay._ "

Her eyes darted around uncomfortably. "I-I don't really know. Suggest that there isn't enough information to support your claim, I guess? I think it would be best to focus on other...less controversial topics."

"Yeah, that's exactly what I said! I'll talk to him again later, thanks so much, Annie," I said with a sigh of relief, wrapping my arms around her in a hug.

"No problem, Perce," she said, her face inches from mine. I felt her breathing, soft but quick, her warm body against mine, her cheeks flushed, and I felt as if I should be feeling something. But I don't.

/Line Break/

"Pass your thesis statements to the front of the row and immediately go with your partner to the library to continue your research," said Mr. Brunner just as the bell rang. Papers fumbled around the classroom as I whipped around to Nico's desk. Which was empty. Fucking fantastic. I didn't even know the thesis was due today, what the fuck?

"Erm, Mr. Brunner? Nico's not here today and he has our thesis-"

"Well, what topic did you choose?" he inquired, slightly raising one eyebrow as his brown eyes bore into mine.

"The legalization of gay marriage in the U.S." Nico finished as he sauntered into the classroom, completely unfazed by his lateness. Mr. Brunner's face was torn between shock and contempt. "Is that a problem?" Nico said slowly, his eyes hard as obsidian.

Mr. Brunner cleared his throat. "...very well then. Just-go do your research, please," he said with a frown.

You could've dropped a pile of bricks on the ground and no one in the class would've flinched-mouths hung wide open and eyes darted between Mr. Brunner, Nico, and me.

A smirk flitted across Nico's face, his eyes curious and calculating as he looked at the class.

"Is there...a problem?" Nico asked again, in an almost challenging tone. Silence, again, until Nico shrugged and nodded towards me. "Let's go," he said strolling right out while whistling to a tune, not a care at all. _I_ , however, had never felt more mortified in my life as I did in that moment, sixteen pairs of eyes judging my every move.

I rushed out and grabbed Nico by the shoulder.

"Dude, what the _fuck_ was that?" I whispered angrily.

"First of all, get your fucking hand off of me. Second, I have no idea what you're talking about," he said, the corners of his mouth lifting slightly. "Also, _don't_ , call me 'dude'," he added as an afterthought, his mouth falling back into the familiar frown.

"Nico," I muttered, gripping his shoulder so tightly I could feel his bones. He came to a stop and I pulled him closer. I felt him shiver under me, and I continued, practically growling, "Everyone's gonna think we're gay now!"

He moved so fast I didn't even realize what was going on until I was pushed up against the lockers, a strong, thin arm pressed against my chest.

"I said to get your filthy hand off of me. Who do you think you are, bird brain, huh? You think you can scare me with your stupid fucking tough-guy talk? I've dealt with hundreds of guys like you before, you don't scare me. Go on, call me a faggot. Beat me up. I don't care."

"I-I-, Nico," I said quietly, shocked at the slight tremble in his voice and the defiant fervor in his eyes. "I wouldn't hurt you like that, I'm sorry that it seemed that way."

His eyes softened a bit, still eyeing me like it was a trap. Our faces were close to each other, and I could feel his hot breath and his eyes searching my face.

Suddenly, a stream of students exited our classroom, chattering and laughing until they saw us-me pressed up against the lockers, Nico holding me down, our faces inches from each other.

Utter silence again, followed by a male voice muttering, "Get a room, fags."

Nico ripped himself off of me, turning away from everyone and heading towards the exit door down the hall. As he left, I heard him mutter, "Why did I even come here in the first place?"


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Nico

My hands tremble as I grip the bathroom sink tightly, the fluorescent lights highlighting my pale face. I take a shaky deep breath in, trying to calm myself down and expel my anger as I exhale. I look into my own eyes-dark, clouded, and dripping with anger like black candle wax.

"This place is fucking bullshit," I mutter to myself. Then, like every sane person would do, I start to laugh, hoping no one else can hear my lunacy.

"I just want go home," I whisper, feeling all the anger wither away, only to be replaced with hollowness. I splash some cold water onto my face and beat it out of there, unable to stand looking at myself anymore.

"What the fuck are you doing here?!" I say, surprised, then angered by the green eyes in front of me. He even has the audacity to look guilty. Motherfucking bitch.

"Are you okay?" he asks, completely ignoring my question. "The way you just left like that-well, I was worried."

"The sound of his concern sends fire to my blood and I don't respond. I shove him out of the way and figure I might as well get to class while I'm here.

"Look, I get it-"

"I stop in my step and whirl around. "You don't get shit," I growl.

"What? You think you're the only one with problems di Angelo?" He's fuming, eyes stormy, nostrils flaring, face turning beet red. He's so beyond mad, and I'm confused. When did he get so angry? He breathed in deeply, and his hot exhale washed my face. We stood there for what felt like years, a storm against the night, our eyes fixated on each other. We didn't say anything, and I felt heat creep up the back of my neck. Just when I thought I might take a step forward, Percy turned away abruptly and walked down the hall with his fists clenched.

/Line Break/

Percy didn't come to school for the next week. Or maybe I just didn't see him. I haven't gone to most of my classes in ages, not only to avoid further confrontation with Percy, but to try to fix things with Will.

As exes do, we started drifting apart after I moved, and the distance gnawed at my heart every day. Will, with eyes like the sky-he had opened up the world for me in ways that others couldn't, and that no one else ever had. Having him break up with me hurt me more than I could ever bear, and I sure as hell wasn't gonna let anyone know.

Will promised me we could still be friends a week after school started, so every couple of days we met each other in obscure places in obscure towns miles from where we lived so one we knew could find us.

That was the plan, anyway.

After a while, Will started coming later, for shorter periods of times, and sometimes never showed up at all.

I'd be so excited to see Will those days. After living in this hell of a town, any familiar trace of warmth was all I needed. But I didn't realize that Will didn't need me anymore. That he stopped caring ages ago. And that maybe Will never loved me as much as I loved him.

Even then, my heart won't stop hurting, and I can't stop thinking about his eyes.

/Line Break/

"So, how's my mopey little brother these days?" Bianca asked with a off grin on her face I instantly . I immediately knew I would not be liking this conversation, but I couldn't do anything but lay there as she took the few short strides to my bed, ruffling my hair as she reached me and effectively trapped me in.

"Leave me alone, Bianca."

"Oh, c'mon Neeks, you're my little brother, I need to know what's going on in your life. Especially your love life," she said, raising an eyebrow.

"I shot her a glare and unwillingly ripped my headphones off, knowing there was no way out of this. "Fine, if you must know," I said angrily. I might as well just say it, no matter how stupid it sounds. "Will's been ignoring me," I muttered, my eyes trained on the ground and a bit of red dusting my cheeks. I felt like a total idiot.

"I wasn't ready to look her in the eye yet, but from the corner of my eye I could see her face morph from angry to confused. "Didn't you two break up, though?" she questioned carefully.

She was right. We did. So, why, in the world did I care so much?

Because it's Will. It's always been Will.

I managed to mutter a "yes," looking my sister in the eyes for the first time. "But we still would meet up sometimes," I added a bit defensively.

She looked at me with wholly unwanted pity. It made me regret not adding a master lock to my door when we first moved in.

"I'm sorry."

"S'not your fault," I replied instinctively, looking down at my hands.

"No, Nico, I understand how much he means to you, but honestly, he's being an ass. You deserve better than that."

"Yeah, whatever," I muttered, expecting her to get up and leave my room. "You've given me enough profound sisterly advice for one day."

"Neeks, I just want to help," she continued, not pausing for a beat. "Is that the only thing that's bothering you? How's school been?" she asked gently.

I sighed, closing my eyes and willing myself to not see those sea green eyes. "What could you ever mean?" I asked dryly.

"Yea, it's been pretty shit for me too, but we just gotta go with it. I hate being in such a small town, it's friggin suffocating-but there are nice people. Have you met any friends?"

I bit my lip, debating whether or not I should tell her. The quicker I tell her, the quicker she leaves me alone. I swallowed. "Well, there's this boy-"

"OMG, YOU HAVE A CRUSH! I need details, what's his name? What does he look like? Is he nicer than Will, I swear to god, Nico, if you're gonna put yourself through that again, I told you from the beginning there was something off with that boy!" my sister's high pitched squeal quickly turned aggressive as she all but scolded me on my judgement of character.

"Nonono, shut the hell up. I do not have a crush, he's just some homophobic asshole that I'm forced to work with on some stupid assignment," I said, glaring fiercely at Bianca. The words were sharp and scathing, but to be honest, not even I completely believed them. "He's the literal embodiment of Satan. But with green eyes. He's like a 6 foot tall gremlin-evil and-"

"Alright, I get it. We hate him. But what did he do exactly? I get that this town is super religious and all that crap, but if he's hurting you, I swear to their beloved God-"

"No, no, no, it's fine, it's not like that," I said, sighing and punching the bridge of my nose. I should've just kept my damn mouth shut. "He's actually alright, but really he's just like everyone else in this town. Too conservative and afraid of being different from everyone else." My mind flashed back to me shouting at him, our bodies so close that I could feel the heat of his breath on me. The memory was enough to anger me anew and I felt my cheeks redden in response.

Bianca just smiled. "Well, as long as you're okay, I'm okay. If you ever need to talk more about Will, let me know." She said and after tousling my hair one last time, she left the room.

Once the door closed I flopped onto my back, staring at the plain white ceiling of my new room. I put my headphones back on and turned the music on ear-bleedingly loud. Anything to mask the boys with the sea green and sky blue that seemed to plague my mind. I sighed.

"What the fuck am I going to do?

 **Author's Note**

 **So, here's the part of the story where I talk about all the problems and stress going on in my life that caused it to take an extremely long time to update this. AP classes, SAT classes, track and cross country, work, you know the usual stuff, but to be honest I'm just a lazy piece of shit who does nothing with out motivation from someone else. My friend and I collaborate writing this story-my friend doing most the work because again, I'm a lazy piece of shit-and she basically forces me to write because if it wasn't for that I would probably just lay in bed all day reading other people's fanfics and avoiding all of my responsibilities. So, basically what I'm trying to say in this long, rambling note-that probably no one is reading anyone-is please read and review! If you want to see an update to this story, please yell at me in the reviews, say whatever, I don't care. It's just nice to know you guys exist. (Shoutout to laurcuna for getting me to finish this chapter)**

 **P.S. sorry if anyone saw the first update of this chapter, not entirely sure what happened. I'm still trying to figure out how publishing on this site actually works.**


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Percy

Breathe.

Inhale and exhale-it's as simple as that. At least, it's supposed to be. But how am I supposed to breathe with a constricted chest? When the very oxygen I breath, no matter how copious, can never satiate me? When vision becomes blurred and dotted and the simple inhale, exhale becomes staggered gasps of in and out?

Breathe.

My eyes burn-they burn, they burn, they burn like they're filled with gasoline. Dotted vision begins to turn a solid black.

God, please, I need to breathe.

Eyes squeezed shut, tears leaking out, hands shaking, chest heaving, I curl up into a ball, trying to capture some precious air. But it dances around me, skirts away, letting me die in stagnant vanity. My throat feels like sandpaper and a raw sob wracks my body.

Breathe.

I count to five, slowly trying to steady myself. _One...two_ -my lungs convulse and my face is aflame in streams of tears. I try again.

Inhale _...one...two...three_ -my chest heaves.

Inhale _…one, two_. My brain becomes fuzzy. _Three, four._ I need air. My body feels like it's going to explode.

 _Five._

I exhale, I inhale, I exhale, I breathe.

One shaky breath after the other. Inhale, exhale, simple as that.

My body unfurls, my face drenched and uncomfortable.

Inhale, exhale.

I place my shaky hands on the tile floor, allowing the cold to seep into me; reminding me that I am alive.

Breathe. Just breathe, and everything will be okay.

/Line Break/

I wake up to the vibrating of my phone. Groaning, I grab it and see Jason's name on my lock screen. I sigh, not particularly in the mood to communicate with people, so I put my phone face down on the nightstand beside me. Now is as good a time as ever to get up.

I know I've been avoiding my responsibilities for long enough, but I just can't be bothered anymore. And to be honest, I'm not even sure what propelled me into this state of consternation. All I know is that I can't survive like this much longer. It's hard enough trying to will myself to do basic tasks, let alone try and tackle my trigonometry homework. My mom's not much of a help either, shooting me pitying glances when she thinks I'm not looking. I really shouldn't complain though, at least I have a parent who cares. I know what it's like not to-been there, done that, not looking to go back anytime soon.

I trudge over to the bathroom, hoping that a nice shower will make me feel a bit better. My mom left for work hours ago, already haven given up on trying to get me to do anything. I haven't been to school in a week, and whether she knows that or not, she hasn't brought anything up about it. I think she's afraid of pushing me further away, of accidentally severing the ties with her already distant son. But I just need someone to call me out on my bull shit, tell it like it is, make me get off my damn ass and do something for a change. I'm sick of the silence, yet, I grasp for it every chance I get. I want to scream. I want to punch something. I want to feel something. And I want to feel nothing at all.

I'm not really sure of what I want anymore.

 _Yes you do_ , my thoughts mock me. _You want him._

I turn the water hotter, relishing the heat of it as it bounces off my back. I inhale deeply, the curling steam clearing my thoughts.

I may not know what I want, but I know what I don't want. I don't want to think anymore.

I turn the water the off, the heat becoming too unbearable. I dress quickly and leave the bathroom before the mirror clears. I'm not in the mood to look at myself. I already know what I'll see.

I shut the door as I leave, trapping the humid air inside. I look around the tiny apartment my mom and I share. It's a mess, of course. Clothing sits in piles just about everywhere, waiting to be either folded or cleaned. Dishes line the counter-dirty and clean alike. I'm not sure which one it is anymore. It's all blurred together. The quantity of food in our refrigerator is abysmally low. The food that we do have lays out on the remaining space, in old, half-filled take-out containers. Dust floats around me like a halo, swirling in the window light. I wonder for a fleeting second if I could die from too much dust inhalation. I smile. If only it could be that easy.

I knew there was no one to blame for the mess besides myself. My mom works way too much for her to have any time to even think about cleaning. I know that, but I still always felt this resentment build inside of me. It reminds me of darker times, much darker times when beer bottles littered the floor and you could just feel the pungent air seep into your skin as you walked in the door. It reminds me of when this place was my living hell. Though, in many ways, it still is.

/Line Break/

My phone beeps again and I'm just about ready to throw it across the room. I probably would, too, if it weren't for the fact that I would have to spend a fortune to fix it. It's lit up, now reading; _Jason: 23 messages_. Fuck. I don't want to deal with this. I can't deal with my own issues, I don't want to be dragged into other's.

I close my eyes and press my throbbing temples. I'm such a shit friend.

I unlock my phone, resigning myself to whatever shitstorm I was about to enter. I open my messages and send Jason a simple, _'Hey'_ , not able to bring myself to read all of his past messages.

My phone buzzes.

 _'Hey! That's all I get? I've been trying to reach you for hrs, where the fuck were you?'_

I sigh. _'What do you need, Jace?'_ I get a response almost immediately.

 _'Come over?'_

Do I want to? No. The thought of interacting with anyone, even Jason sounds positively revolting. But the thought of sitting in this disgusting apartment, tripping over crumpled clothes as I pace around aimlessly seems slightly worse.

Before I could change my mind, I type a quick _'sure,'_ and hit send. I get up, grab my keys and brace myself for my return to humanity.

Fifteen minutes later, I stand outside Jason's door, preparing myself for what I was about to walk into. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and I step inside.

"Hey, Jace? Bro? I'm here!" I call out. I hear heavy footfalls stomping down the stairs, announcing Jason's presence.

I takes a few minutes before Jason comes to look around. The contrast between Jason's place and my own is stark. His parents are rich, and they sure as hell didn't let you forget it. The living room is pristine-pure marble walls, grandiose, open windows, and sparkling chandeliers hanging from almost every room. There's not a single speck of dust in sight.

"Hey, you made it!" I turn to Jason standing at the bottom of the stairs. His normally tan skin looked faded and bleached and the circles underneath his eyes are so dark they look bruised. He smiles, but his normally happy eyes don't seem to comply with his mouth. It's not right seeing him like this. Me, it's okay, it's normal-but Jason? Jason was supposed to be the bright one. He had his life together. He has money, intelligence, _family_. He has schools lined up for him, wanting to give him scholarships, wanting to have _Jason Grace_ go to their school. He has a _girlfriend_. As far as I'm concerned, he has the perfect life.

"Let's go upstairs. We can hang out there." His voice is still bright as ever, but his muted eyes say otherwise.

I nod, trailing after him as he walks back up to his bedroom.

"I have beer," he says, reaching for his mini fridge. "If you want."

"Sure."

He stops and looks at me, startled. "For real? You're usually touchy about this kind of shit-"

"It's fine, Jace. If you wanna get drunk, let's get drunk."

Conceal, repress the obscurus of my past and my present. That's the only way I can ever move forward.

He smiles again, this time seeming genuinely happy.

"Yeah bro, let's get drunk."

/Line Break/

Somewhere in my mind, I knew that I'd fucked up. Somewhere, I knew that I'd be disgusted with myself. Somewhere, I caught a glimpse of the time when the mere smell would suffocate me, when the stench was so putrid it could drown me without so much as touching me.

Yet here I am, allowing the poison to enter my body, personally handing my sagacity to Satan. If I were in my right mind, I would be ashamed. Instead, all I can manage with my clouded judgement is an uncontrollable fit of giggles. The feeling is new and funny to me, open and vulnerable. It's like being stripped naked-free from my bounds, but completely and utterly exposed. I hate it.

"Y'know, I'm really happy you came here," Jason drawls. "It's a real good thing," he says, his eyes unfocused. He blindly pats my thigh as if he were trying to praise me. His hand is heavy and weak, falling and staying down on my leg as Jason could no longer hold it up.

"Yeah," I mutter absentmindedly. I couldn't think straight-whether that was due to the alcohol or his hand on my thigh, I was unsure.

Jason turns towards me, his face suddenly serious. His eyes are more alert and focused and his forehead creases deeply. "I need to tell you something."

My hands start sweating. The mere sound of that phrase makes me nervous.

"Yeah," I breathe. "Okay."

Jason places his clammy hands on my face, adjusting it so that my eyes meet his-piercing, frosted sky blue. "I think you're hot as fuck, man," he says, then erupting into an uncontrollable bout of giggles.

My body starts shaking. The words bounce off my head like tennis balls-my foggy brain can't seem to process the extent of the meaning of those words. All I can really think was, me too.

"What?" Jason looks at me inquisitively.

Fuck, did I said that out loud?

"Ah-not me, I mean, I think you're hot too" I say, stumbling over my words. "I-I'm, ya know, _gay_."

In movies whenever something big happens, there's always a pause-just enough time to allow the audience to process the amplitude of the events happening before them. Reality doesn't give you that same luxury.

"Get out." His voice rings sharply through the room. Jason doesn't seemed confused anymore. His eyes are a stern, cold blue. "Get out of my house you fucking faggot!" He's screaming at this point, throwing himself into a rage. I could only stare at him dumbly.

"But, didn't you-I thought-"

"Get outta my damn house before I call the cops!" Jason's face is bright red, contorted, blazing. I've never seen him this angry. I quickly get up and stumble down the stairs and out the door.

I run, I run for miles. I want- _need_ the sharp pain in my lungs, the burning fatigue in my body to make sure I'm still alive.

I sit down on the cold pavement and curl into a ball. Black pinpricks dot my already hazy vision, and quick, shaky breaths wrack my body. I can't do this anymore.

The ghostly imprint of his hand scorches my leg. Jason is my best friend. Why would he do this? He knew better than anyone that I needed someone. He knew what I'd been through, he knew I'd entrusted him with my deepest secrets-so why did he hurt me?

Blood pounds in my ears like thunder. I'm afraid of my own damn self, of the damage I'm capable of doing. Panic rises within me, and I grab my phone and with unsteady hands and dial the first number that comes to mind. I listen for the dial tone, and once I hear the click of someone answering I don't hold back.

"Nico?" I gasp in between sobs, "I did something really bad."

Breathe. Inhale, exhale.

Just breathe and everything will be all right.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Nico

This absolute agony-it's welled up inside of me for so long, filling me to the brim. The pain's divulged to every part of my body: my chest feels like it's been clawed open, like all I can see are blood and tears splattered everywhere, the air surrounding me is so dank and humid that no matter how much I gasp and scream and cry, my lungs always fail me, and the sky is crashing down, down on everything I've ever known, down all because of a single person.

And I thought I was the only one dumb enough to cling to a broken ideal. I guess not.

/Line Break/

I wake up to an aching back and a throbbing head, opening my tired eyes to the hardwood floor of my room. I sit up in confusion, and glimpse a tan, muscular arm hanging off the side of my bed. I rise cautiously, unprepared to start my day with having to kick someone out of my house, but find an unconscious Percy instead, his calm, restful face drooling on my black comforter. Watching his chest rise and fall, matching with the soft inhales and exhales from his parted lips, I try to piece together my muddled memories from last night.

All my life, I've never known what to expect from people; I'm not good at reading, interacting, or communicating with them at all. I've never bothered at getting better at it mainly because I'm too entrenched in my own thoughts most of the time. My naive indifference always leads to others getting frustrated with me, but I can't help but get sucked into the black hole of my consciousness. I constantly feel like I'm drowning in it.

At one point, it became too much. I became too sensitive to the meaning behind everyone's actions and words, to what anything in life even means, so much that I lived in a world painted in constant paranoia. But in those two years with Will, I developed the deepest sentiment I've ever had for anybody, so deep it filled the holes in my heart. But eventually, it evolved into an emotion too deep that I got lost in it.

Under flashing neon lights and the blaring scream of guitar chords and bass drums, I found love in a boy named Will. We were both fifteen at a rock concert in Madison Square Garden-just two boys living for the music. We had seats next to each other, and on seeing we were both wearing the same Metallica t-shirt, Will struck up a conversation with me. I had never been more elated in my life, talking to a cute blonde boy with the same exultant passion for music as me. We screamed the lyrics to every single song and danced like idiots, head banging and yelling until the music ended. After the concert, we talked more and discovered that we lived in adjacent towns. Excitedly, we promised to hang out as soon as possible.

With time, our relationship grew deeper and deeper. We started dating sixth months after we met, and it was just about the happiest time of my life. We'd go to music concerts together, go to the record shops in both of our towns, play music and jam to the classics and some underground rock. We were always on the same wavelength with our music tastes, talking about what a legend John Lennon was to rock and roll, how Aardvark was so under appreciated, how Greg Ginn was the best guitarist of his time. We knew how to get each other excited-we just _got_ each other.

He really did hold the sky in his eyes-so brazenly blue, they burned my heart. When I finally came to realize the love I had for him was not being fully reciprocated, it was already too late. He had slipped away from me, his short attention span already pulling him away from me. I was trying to catch the moonlight in broad day; so lost in my own love, that I lost sight of who I was even in love with.

The thing that finally broke me was finding out that Will cheated on me during the last year of our relationship. He told me one day when we met up in Astoria, him arriving two hours late without an ounce of apology in his face or demeanor.

" _Neeks, we really need to talk. When I said we were over, I really did mean it. I feel like you're trying to cling to something that doesn't exist anymore. To tell the truth, Neeks, I never liked you that much. You were always so clingy, and you still are. I needed someone a little less suffocating, so I...started seeing someone else while we were dating. I'm sorry you had to find out, but I feel like it's the only thing that'll help you break away from me. It was fun while it lasted, but I think we should really stop seeing each other. For good."_

The memory of his face flashes in my mind, then disappears just as quickly. A ghost of his affection is branded within me, and hurts me just thinking about him. The words reverberate, echo, re-play uncontrollably in my head, the image of the blonde-haired boy walking away from me forever. The damn memories are the worst affliction of all.

Watching the broken boy sleep makes me think of new beginnings, of possibly filling the trenches Will left behind. But I can't do that to him, I can't love him for the mere sake of loving someone. I can't give him that pain.

And I still don't know the full story of what happened last night. I'm not sure if calling people in the middle of the night mind numbingly drunk is a normal thing for him. Hell, I've only really known him for a week and we didn't even get along that great to begin with.

Then why did he call me? Was he so drunk he had no idea what he was doing? Or did he actually want _me_?

By the time I realize he's waking up, it's too late. I become conscious of the fact that I'm sitting on my bed next to him, staring at his sleeping face as he opens his eyes. He probably thinks I'm weird. Fuck.

"G-good morning?" Percy says in a gravelly voice, its lilted phrasing making it sound like a question. His cheeks were rosy and flushed. I smile at him awkwardly, unsure of what to start with.

"Do you...remember last night?" I hope he does. I need to know what happened. Getting a call from an unknown number in the middle of the night from someone saying that they "did something really bad" was terrifying enough. When I realized it was Percy, I only became more panicked. His voice, heavy and airy, like he couldn't catch his breath, constantly being interrupted by gasping sobs was the only reason I kept on with the conversation. I couldn't consciously abandon him knowing that something was drastically wrong.

Percy gives me a sleepy grin, and my heart skips a beat. "This is a dream, right?" he sighs, then furrows his forehead. "But my head's pounding like a motherfucker."

"What kind of dreams are you having, Jackson?" I sputter, my arm aching to knock him over the head. "Actually, I don't want know. I don't have time to perform a reenactment of last night for you, so I'll just sum it up-you called me at one in the fucking morning, completely drunk, like a blubbering pathetic little wuss, saying you did something bad. Now, care to explain?"

The sleepiness in his eyes is replaced by a hard, stoic look. "I have no idea what you're talking about," he bites.

I blink, affronted. "If you don't know, then why the fuck are you being so defensive?"

He looks down to the bedsheets, bitterness sounding in every word. "Like you said, I was drunk. How much of the night do you expect me to remember?"

His face shows no sign of giving in,so I continue. "Okay...we'll start slow, then. Where did you go before you got drunk?"

He pauses a beat. "Jay's house."

"...Jay?"

He sighs in annoyance. "Jason Grace. Tall, blonde hair, blue eyes, the teenage incarnation of Captain America. Also my best friend…" He pauses as if the words got caught in his throat.

"Alright, so you went to Jason's house, probably around seven, right? Was it a party?"

"No, he just invited me for a couple of drinks. And then we started talking. And he told me...he said…" He clenches his eyes, his shoulders shaking. "He told me that I'm hot."

I have an overwhelming urge to laugh hysterically. All of that bitching and crying because I guy called him hot? Christ, I'd pay to have Jason Grace call me hot.

I manage to contain myself, and continue hesitantly. "So...what exactly is the problem…?"

Percy looks like he's on the verge of tears, and I instantly regret wanting to laugh. Long tan fingers grip his black locks and he shoves his face into the crook of his elbows.

"Nico. I'm gay."

"So am I."

"You don't fucking get it, do you?" he yells. "Unlike you, I can't afford to prance around and let the whole world know I'm gay. Do you realize what would happen if I told people? The entire school would shun me, call me a fucking fag, try to make my life as miserable as possible. And don't even get me started on my mom-she'd just kick me out. I wouldn't doubt it for a second. No one would take me seriously, no one would care about me anymore, I just can't, I can't be gay." Sobs wrack through his body. Bluish-green veins protrude from his hands, hands that are shaking so hard I feel the need to hold them down. I find myself completely useless, unable to comprehend the weight of his emotions. Fuck, is this town really _that_ bad?

I lightly place my hand on his, trying to calm him down. Everything is silent except for his wet sobs.

"I-I mean Jason did it. H-he is, was my best friend. Fuck...he knew...he knew and he still did that...he went against me...treats me like a piece of shit...our friendship didn't matter to him..."

As Percy attempts to string a sentence together through his sobbing, I try my hardest to keep up with him. His thought process just doesn't make sense to me. I always accuse my parents of being conservative, but it was never to the point where I felt alone and abandoned. I take a deep breath and focus on Percy. What the hell am I supposed to say to him? I have no idea how to comfort anyone, yet here Percy is, broken and in clear need of comfort. I awkwardly pat his back as his sobs get more and more violent. It still doesn't add up to me. I want him to explain more of what he's feeling, but seeing his body tremble and his chest heave, his soaked shirt from his own tears, I figure he wouldn't be able to form coherent words if he tried.

"I...can't say I can understand you completely. I grew up in Manhattan. Being gay was so accepted, some people even thought it was 'cool' to pretend to be gay. And-I know that the world in its entirety isn't that okay with the issue-and maybe I took advantage of the openness I had-but I never knew you felt this way. I guess, I almost forgot that there's some of us that can't fully express ourselves without being mistreated. But, Percy, I want you to know that you still matter, your view of yourself and who you are fucking matters. No matter how bad anyone makes you feel about yourself, you are still you, just Percy Jackson, just a goddamn guy. And an annoying one, at that _."_ I roll my eyes for effect but feel my chest clench, the words pressing hard into my throat. "Look-we're all just human beings, and if some don't want to accept you then fuck them! They aren't you, they'll never be you, they'll never understand how your mind works. So you have three choices-live in closeted fear and confusion and let the people that hurt you bring you down completely, or stand up for yourself and cut them out entirely. You have to decide what's best for you mentally. It's bigger than what anyone else could think-it's about what kind of influence you're going to let others to have on you. Please, Percy, _please_ don't give up on yourself. I-may not have known you for that long, but I can tell that you're a good-natured guy-you're just a little lost. And I hope that one day you can turn on the light and fully find yourself."

I knead my hands, feeling awkward and exposed. Percy stares at me, his mouth agape and I blush, a bit uncomfortable by the fact that his bright green eyes are ogling me.

I get up abruptly, the silence getting to be too much for me. "I'll be downstairs in the kitchen, so feel free to come down and eat whenever you feel like it. If you want, you can rummage through my dresser for some clothes-the bathroom is the first door on the left. And don't worry about seeing my parents, they left early to visit my grandparents in Trenton." I don't mention Bianca, unsure if she's even in the house. I hope she isn't.

Percy gives me a thankful smile and I close the door, stopping to catch my breath on the other side. My heart is pounding, almost aching.

Why do I have to be like this?


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Percy

Voices buzz all around me, drowning me in shrill white noise.

He's there, _right fucking there_ ten feet away, yet I can't bring myself to look at him directly without feeling like my chest is caving in.

I've heard sparse rumors, though I don't think he started them-I don't think he has it in him to do something like that. Either way, this is a small fucking town, so anything and everything travels like wildfire whether one or one hundred people were there to witness it. No one's said anything to me directly, but I feel the occasional snotty glare in the hall, feel the blatant whispering follow me everywhere.

And what if I am a faggot? Does it make me a fucking abomination? If I do recall, Leviticus 11:9-12 clearly states that clam consumption is damn high on God's sin list, in fact, even higher than buttfucking. But no one ever mentions that. Why?

Gay people are always painted as gross hypersexual people who want to lure straight men. Being constantly sexualized by homophobes is a classic move, really; using the vulgarity of sex as a way to oppress someone isn't particularly new. But the reality is, gay people are just people, regular goddamn people that breath and talk and live a life not constantly revolved around their sexuality. We're regular people, stricken with false ideas of or our own identities, and I'm done with it. I just want to be me.

But no matter how badly I want to believe in myself, I'm still scared. If even Annabeth would turn her back to me, who else would? Would every single relationship I'd built up in the last sixteen years of my life crumble? I can't shake her gray eyes, eyes I always thought were calculating, rational, logical. But they turned into a storm, and I lost her.

I avert my eyes to my feet, my palms sweaty and shaking. I think about turning around and running far, far away. But I can't run anymore, because one day I won't have anywhere else to run to.

At least I can swim for now.

I watch Jason leap into the pool before I hear the whistle sound. He's anchoring for the 400 freestyle relay and everyone on the team is cheering him on by the pool. Except me.

The scent of chlorine makes me want to throw up. I was supposed to be part of that relay-well, before I decked Jason's pretty little face.

Coach demoted me from captain and took me out of every single race, but I honestly have no regrets. I would've done worse to Jason if I could.

Jason finishes in a blur, passing two people in the last couple of meters. Wow, what a stud! I hang my head between my knees and try not to think about how everyone looked at me.

Yes, I tried to talk to him and no, it didn't go well. At all. In fact, the moment I opened my mouth, he announced to the world that I'm a fag. So I punched him before anyone could punch me.

No one reprimanded him, and no one has come within a twenty foot radius has faced me except for coach's screaming bright red face. But what did I expect?

I feel the bile burning in my throat before I hear a soft chuckle right next to me. I shoot up and am assailed by icy, gray-blue eyes and a sneer.

Octavian.

"How does it feel to not only be a fag, but a fucking loser you fucking fairy," he whispers, leaning in to my face, his breath sending shivers down my neck.

I whip back to Jason find that his golden demeanor seems be paling by the second as his eyes dart from me to Octavian and back to me.

" _You fucking son of a bitch,"_ I growl under my breath, my adrenaline ready to wipe the Cheshire cat grin right off of Octavian's ugly face.

"What's wrong, darling? Worried I might ruin your life?" he drawls. "...because, I just might."

I swear I couldn't control it, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy hearing his nose crunch under my fist.

There's blood everywhere, everyone's staring at me, and this entire day has been a fucking mess. But let's backtrack a bit.

I've had the misfortune of knowing Octavian since I was shitting in diapers. His parents and my parents were all part of the same clique or posse or whatever in high school and just never felt the need to expand their living arrangements or their social circle. So, we were basically forced to be best friends and we just went with it, until I caught Octavian setting his stuffed animals on fire in his backyard. He saw me, panicked, and shoved the lighter in my hands (how he got his hands on it, I have no idea), and of course, his parents choose the perfect time to come waltzing in on Percy Jackson (allegedly) setting his dear friend Octavian's toys on fire. Octavian wailed like you wouldn't believe and put all the blame on _me_ , essentially banning me from his house ever again and placing me under house arrest for the rest of the summer. When I saw him again that school year, he acted like nothing ever happened and tried to talk and play with me like normal, but I was having none of it. I flat out ignored him and pretended his lying ass didn't exist, and after much resistance, he eventually went along with it. I never heard the end of it from my parents-they actually cried when they found out what I'd (allegedly) done and told me I had taken such a sweet and loving friend for granted. Alas, Octavian was painted as an angel and I basically as the incarnation of Lucifer, so I could never really forgive him for that.

Oh, but it doesn't end there. Motherfucker's been trying to get back at me for ignoring him ever since. It started with trying to take Annabeth away from me (after realizing I wasn't interested in her in _that_ way and we were legitimately just friends, he fucked off), and continues to this day with him unsuccessfully trying to spread weird rumors about me, which, ironically, always have to do with me having weird fetishes and being a satanist (go figure). But he was no friends-Jason is widely known for being the only person who willingly talks to him out of niceness.

But now that he knows something with credibility, he actually has the chance to ruin me in every single way. The rumours are already forming, and with Jason's word and inability to lie to back him up, he'll be unstoppable. And I'll be dead.

I decide, _fuck, who even cares anymore,_ and grab the little rat by the hair. I growl into his ear, "Is that all you got?" and let his body drop to the floor as I run the fuck out of there.

Fuck, fuck, _fuck,_ am I screwed.

/Line Break/

He told everyone.

And by everyone, I mean, literally _everyone_ -the lunch ladies at school cafeteria are keeping their distance.

I tried to pretend that I didn't care. That it didn't bother me. So what if I'm fucking gay?

Yet maintaining a facade of indifference was exhausting and as their words increased in ferocity, my own paranoia increased as well. I tried to hide it but the whispers were getting to me. I assumed everyone was talking about me, everyone was looking at me, everyone was judging me. Nico has been trying to contact me, but I keep putting him off. I can't stand to look into his eyes-or anyone's for that matter-and chance seeing the possible hatred within them. Even worse, I'm afraid of possibly dragging him down with me. It's bad enough I was outed, I don't want anyone drawing conclusions about him for hanging out with the "faggot."

I'm about to snap. I'm sure of it. My own self hatred used to overwhelm me, yet now I'm forced to deal with the hatred of others while having all my old facets removed. Swimming's a bust-every time I try I think of Jason's betrayal-and talking to Jason is definitely a no go. The amount of time I spend in my room has begun to concern my mom. Thankfully she's not home very often but when she is, she's already so stressed from work I can't stand to put more on her by assuming the role of her problematic son.

I don't even know how she'll react.

Will she still accept me? Love me? I think so, but I can't take any chances in this state.

But of course, Octavian can.

After I punched him last week, he promised to make my life a living hell, which I assume, includes telling everyone that might know me or know of my that I'm gay. I expect nothing less of him, and yet, I don't feel panicked at all. More numb than anything. Empty, unassuming, placated numbness.

How else am I supposed to feel when my own teachers can't look me straight in the eye now? When the guys I called bros call me a lowlife fag? What else am I supposed to feel when Annabeth ignores not just me, but what we meant to each other? There's nothing to feel but emptiness.

Mom has to know by know. If it wasn't the school counselor, word of mouth in such a small town is always reliable.

It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon and I'm laying in bed, curtains drawn so my room is shrouded in misty light. I haven't gotten up and don't intend on it. All I can do is wait now.

The house phone's been ringing all day now-it hasn't stopped since about 9. I assume Nico gave up calling my dead cell, and knew I was cutting at home. He knows it's not much safer for me to be anywhere else.

I feel myself dosing into a mindless sleep when the door slams downstairs. My eyes shoot open in blunt panic, but there's nowhere for me to go. The door clicks open without a knock, and I know I've lost.

"Percy," she says quietly. The door creak, and then a step. "Can I come in?"

I don't say anything but she sits on the corner of my bed anyway.

"Is it true, Percy? Is this really who you are?"

I don't know when the tears started to fall-they could've been falling from the moment I woke up and realized there was no reason in getting up-or maybe they've been falling this entire time. I hear myself laughing hoarsely, phlegm making me sound even grosser.

"Yes mom, my name is Percy. I'm your sixteen year old son, born and raised in the smallest town known to mankind. I enjoy swimming, watching movies-oh, and also, I'm gay."

She looks at me, and something shifts in her eyes. The sharp tone of my voice, the bluntness of my words, hell, the validation that I just gave her-that, yes, her son is a fag-all leave her speechless. I turn my back to her.

"I don't want to talk about this." I say coolly, I can still feel her gaze on me. Unmoving. Unnerving. The phone rings again, the shrill sound waking her up from her stupor.

"I'll go answer that," she says as she leaves the room. She can do that. Escape. Just walk out of my room and continue life with an ignorant facade. She doesn't fully know, fully understand, and therefore she can just walk away.

I wish I had the same false optimism. I wish I could pretend and walk away, escape from this small apartment, this small town, these fucking benighted people.

But, I can't and I have to stop trying. I reach over and look at my phone. Missed calls, missed messages, even Facebook was blowing up-not that I care though. I scroll the my inbox and stop at the one name that truly mattered. I sigh, mentally preparing myself for this. Preparing myself to finally stop escaping my reality.

 **Please R &R **


End file.
